


To My (Hopefully Not) Soulmate

by hansungchan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Goodbyes, M/M, Mentioned Huang Ren Jun, Post-Break Up, References to Depression, Sad, maybe(?), slice of life ig, written letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:40:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23667769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansungchan/pseuds/hansungchan
Summary: In which Na Jaemin wishes that Huang Renjun isn't his soulmate.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	To My (Hopefully Not) Soulmate

**_To my sunflower, Huang Renjun,_ **

_I’ll be completely honest with you. I have no idea how to start this letter. I wonder if it’d be nice to start from the beginning of our story. The story of how we met. Of how you made me flustered that October afternoon with your confident smile and clever mind. A part of me wanted to set off with the description of your beautiful eyes, and how it always renders me speechless whenever I look into it. There’s also this selfish voice inside my head that says I should start with an “I love you”. And how I will always do. I figured an apology is unnecessary. We already had too much of that on the span of our relationship that the words “I’m sorry” sickens me already. I bet you feel the same way too._

_I realized that the best way to start this is to be the one thing you always want me to be. Honest. So that’s what I’m gonna do. Be honest about my chaotic mind and how it kept on changing from time to time. And how it is the one at fault of why this letter is made._

_Have you been doing well? It’s funny how after months that’s the only question I could come up with. I tried to think of more creative ones, more important things to ask. But in the end, I realized that is the one question I am yearning an answer for. If you are doing fine._

_You’ll probably be mad at me. Maybe you’ll break into hysterical laughter while reading this. A bitter smile dancing on your lips while you thought, “Bold of you to ask me how I’m doing after leaving me just like that”. Am I correct?_

_It’s sad how you thought I never understand you. Of how you think I never tried to decipher what’s in your mind whenever you’re silent. But it’s even sadder to think that I actually do. Yet I never tried to save you from your own self. Or at least, tried even harder._

_Maybe our minds are too in sync, the only reason I could think of of why polar magnets like us (because you’re very gorgeous and talented and well, I’m just me) attracts each other. We both love poetry. You’re the only person I could talk to at 2 a.m about aliens and how they probably exist somewhere in the universe. Because the universe is such a big place. You’re my go-to person whenever I wanted to gush about a certain book or a certain series on Netflix. You would listen to my nonsense rants that would take hours and yet I couldn’t stop myself because you are just too attentive and I know you’ll never judge me. You never did._

_You’re also that kind of person who would paint me the moon. The one who would write poetry about the stars and how you can see them in my eyes. But more than that, you’re the person who loved reading my poems and short stories. At least you said you love them. Though a small part of my mind is embarrassed because, in comparison to yours, mine is nothing. Believe me when I said I stopped letting people read my works a long time ago. Yet something about your pleading eyes, and the way you poke at my cheeks while whining, that made me think it is not a bad idea. To let you read my soul. And believe me, I never regret saying yes._

_So that’s the story of how I fell for you and how you fell for me. We were so engrossed with the feeling of falling that we didn’t realize what will happen when we reached the end. We forgot that everything that falls, breaks at some point._

_I love you, Renjun. And I still do. Even if you think otherwise. I am just really sorry that though I do love you, it is not enough to make me stay. To fight for us. To fight for you. You were never clueless about my dark thoughts. And how they eat me up at midnight, screaming in my ears that I will never be enough. And I told you our minds are too in sync. That when your monsters are awake, I was drowning on my own too. And that’s the thing. You cannot save someone if you yourself are struggling just the same._

_But we tried, didn’t we? I really tried hard. I tried to be strong. To fight for a dream that is not mine to begin with. And I know you are having a hard time too. To fight for the future that will always be uncertain. I am so drowned thinking that no one understands me that I failed to recognize that there is you. And deep down, I knew that you’re trying so hard to reach out to me, only to fail because it's my own heavy weight that’s causing me to sink deeper. Deeper into my own darkness._

_If you’re going to ask me if this is a letter where I will say I regret leaving you, it is not. This is a letter that says I love you. And I truly care for you. That’s why I let you go. That’s why I left that door on November night without looking back. You’re probably mad at me for not doing so. For not checking on you and disappearing like I never existed in your life. I often told you I do not trust my own self. I’m afraid I’d change my mind if I so much as hear your soft broken voice calling out to me. I remember one time you told me I remind you of the wind. Hard to grasp. Unbound. Not even by my love for you._

_But you took that risk. You loved the wind that is me. And I felt it every day I spent with you. You overwhelmed me with so much care and dreams for the future that I got... scared. And it’s okay to hate me because I am such a fool for letting go of the only sunflower in my life. If there are things I regret, it is our dream of settling in New York City, living in a simple yet warm apartment we’ll call home. A dream of adopting a dog that we’ll name Jellybean. I regret that we’ll never spend Christmas putting up fairy lights. Walking around hand in hand, in the city that never sleeps. I regret not giving you a sunflower on your Graduation day. But I guess those regrets will be worth it when my sunflower finally met the rightful sunshine that will make him grow and bloom. And believe me when I say, I am no sunshine. I tried to be. For you. Yet look where it got us to._

_So here I am, ending this long and overdue letter. Last night, I dreamed of you. It’s a nice dream. A happy one. Another scenario of where, unlike the reality of our story, I actually came back for you. I tried to earn your trust again, and you forgave me again. Yet that little fear is still inside my heart. It’s sad, how even in my dreams I am uncertain of our relationship. Of my worth. Of my own love for you. And you do not deserve uncertain people like me, Renjun._

_I’d like to think that you are not my soulmate. Though, I’ve never once told you you were. Unlike my previous lovers, whom I thought to understand my soul. I’m done thinking that people who showed me affection and care is my soulmate. I realized from the passing of time that just because someone cared for you, loved you and dreamed of having a future with you, it doesn’t automatically make them the other half of your soul. The idea of a soulmate has long gone through my mind. But sometimes, when I stare at the ceiling at midnight, there’s a little hope in my heart that whispers maybe I just haven’t met him/her yet. That certain soul who would make me feel how it’s truly like craving for someone. A certain being who would understand me with just one look. Someone who would feel like home to me. That even if I didn’t talk, or he/she didn’t speak, it would be okay. Because we understand each other. I’d allow myself to hope that there’s still someone somewhere in this universe who would laugh at my simple awkward jokes the way you once did. Just this time, I would not be embarrassed like how I am with you. This time, I’d laugh along._

_I really wish you are not my soulmate, Huang Renjun. I don’t think I could ever forgive my self for letting go of the only exceptional soul in this universe that is truly made for me. But if my painful decision will lead you to your happiness, even if you were my soulmate, I’d allow myself to forgive. So grow well my sunflower. Until then. And if ever fate and time allow us to cross paths again, I hope you already forgave me enough to spare me a smile._

_Yours Truly,_

**_Na Jaemin_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So here's a little one-shot for me. It is actually inspired by true to life events. Forgive me for any grammatical errors, English isn't my first language. But kudos and feedbacks are greatly appreciated. Please do leave some if you ever enjoyed this. If you ever reached this far, I love you. I hope you had a good day/night.
> 
> \- sungchan


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